I have never been the type of woman who dreamt of her wedding day. Napkin colours, flower arrangements, dress patterns and guest lists, were never thoughts that crossed my mind. I always dreamt that I would get married in Bali. Not sure why but I thought Bali would be the place in which my love and I would join together and begin our journey as one. I dreamt that my love and I would find a random beach, I would get a random white dress and with some random people as our witnesses, we would form a union together as the sun set below the sea. But life sometimes has a different plan for us and my reality is very different from my dream. In this current reality I am a single woman in Bali with no man by my side and no ring on my finger. Because of my loves absence I found myself dreaming of him. Envisioning our love and putting him together like pieces of a puzzle. Feature by feature he came into my imagination. My mind created him in the perfect form that I see him in my heart. I envisioned the colour of his hair, the curves of his face, his height, foot size, favourite colour, his dreams, abilities, aspirations, and hobbies. Will he like to travel? How spiritual will he be? Will he see life with the same eyes as mine? I dreamt him, created him, envisioned him. Yet the more I thought about him and the more I thought about my perfect love, the more I searched my own heart. This life has given me so many beautiful partners, lovers and potential husbands but there is something within myself that I still long to discover. Something my heart is searching for. There are so many things about myself that I still need to discover, explore and decide.
The majority of my life I have always had a mans arms to crawl into. Someone to care for me, love me, take care of me. Someone standing in my corner. However now my bed only sleeps one, there is only one toothbrush in the bathroom and there is no one to run to. For the first time this is what brings me the greatest happiness. I realized that although I look for him, although I search for him, there is a burning within my soul and a passion within my heart to be free. I need to be free. Free of people, free of time lines, free of a home, and free within myself. The thought of being tied to someone or some place does not bring welcoming feelings into my heart. Bali gave me one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for and perhaps something I have always searched for; a willingness to be free. Perhaps I will meet him, my love, my compliment, my perfect partner, somewhere in this world. However I realize now that I am not ready for him. One day he will find me, one day we will begin our story together, one day the universe will bring us together. Until that day I will dream of him, I will continue to envision him but I am not ready for him.
