My Mom

Lately I have been having the worse insomnia of my life. For weeks now I can't sleep. I am up for hours at night and not even thinking of anything or anyone particular but lately I have been thinking about her. My mom was not a part of my life for nearly a long enough time. I really needed her for a few more solid years until I ventured into the unknown motherless. Nevertheless, my father has done an outstanding job of playing both roles. If I marry a man half of what my father is I would consider myself lucky. Not all men would give up everything for six years and love you till the last day while being your full time nurse.

I miss her.
Everyday she crosses my mind.
Everyday I wonder if she is proud of the woman I have become.

That is the scary thing about death. It is so final and there is nothing that you can change or re-do. This inevitably leads to regrets. Everyone has them and everyone must face them when they lose someone they deeply love. Mine consumed my life for far too many years. "I wish I hadn't said that?", "Why didn't I spend more time with her?", "I wish I had asked her that question". Then time slowly forces you to accept each and every regret and digest it until it finally disappears. Now I understand and accept that things happened for a particular reason, a purpose, that hopefully one day I fully appreciate and understand.

There is this song that my mom wanted as her funeral song. It is too personal to me to reveal to the world but those close to me know what it is. Strangely I have been hearing this song all over Canada. I use to never hear it unless I played it to allow myself to cry. Now I hear it in Starbucks, in Walmart and used in TV commercials. Coupled with my interesting belief system and a faith in the universe; I feel like she is with me. Encouraging me to always keep my eyes on the horizon and make dreams a reality.

Two years ago I found out that my mother left me two gifts 1) for when I get married 2) for when I have my first child. In many ways these gifts almost propel me into wanting to sucker a man into marrying me and have a child. Almost everything within me wants to know what is in those two parcels (size unknown). What I would do for one more hug. Yet, there is nothing I would change. Obviously I would give up anything in this world to have her back but I wouldn't wanna give up the life knowledge this experience provided for me. She gave me an outlook on life that is unexplainable.

Many people have only one parent so they understand how the experience changes the direction of your life forever. Many of the best people that I know have suffered the greatest losses. These people find beauty in everything. They constantly see the silver lining.