The Unknown

Realistically I should probably be blogging about the three yoga studios I saw in B.C. but it feels a little unnatural right now. I can't seem to find the words to discuss the ins and outs of yoga studios right now because my mind is trapped in the future. Instead I am sitting in a hotel room at the Vancounver airport with the blinds closed attempting to sleep. Who am I kidding? Sleep is not going to happen tonight just like it didn't happen last night. I toss, I turn, not really thinking about anything, but unable to drift into the subconscious world.

To be frank it's not like what I am doing is that outrageous. I meet people everyday who have done a very similar journey. I am not the first nor will I be the last. Yet, at moments I feel completely disconnected to everyone I know. Here I am giving up everything that I own while everyone else around me is attempting to accumulate more stuff. I don't care what I wear or what I look like, because I acknowledge that the worse is yet to come. There will definitely be days where I haven't showered, changed, washed my face or put on fresh socks but that's okay. Beauty is something that shines from the inside out, not outside in.

Moment of truth - for the last two days I can't stop shaking. My conscious mind does not feel scared, nervous or fearful. I completely accept what could happen and I am okay with that reality. But it is like I have developed a small tremor. Perhaps my subconscious is attempting to prepare me for the unknown. Or perhaps my mind has not yet caught up with my soul. Regardless it is very difficult to drink a glass of water, put on mascara, or cut a tomato. In addition, I can't stop pooping. To some people that might seem extremely gross but it is the truth. The truth is not always pretty nor is it usually what we want to hear. But it is the truth. The same thing happened to my body when I left Winnipeg for Vancouver. It is like a subconscious nervous system reaction. I shake, I poop and I can't eat, but I am happy. Now that sounds a little bit crazy.

So tonight with a close friend by my side I cried for the first time. I cried about the unknown, I cried about being alone, I cried about missing my dad, and I cried, simply for the sake of needing to cry. There is something unique about allowing yourself to cry that makes everything seem a little bit more okay. Or perhaps crying is simply a form of emotion which allows yourself to feel. To accept the current reality and then move forward. As my dear friend wiped away my tears it hit me. It is not the actual journey I am on that provokes these emotions it is the truth of venturing into the unknown on your own. Whether it is quitting a job, asking someone to marry you, moving to a new city, starting school, ending a relationship, or jumping from a plane. The one common thread in all of these things is the unknown at the other side. So there it is. Tonight I cried, accepting the fact that I am venturing not only to Hong Kong, but into the unknown with me, myself and I.